TODAY, will mark the end of a chapter of my life and will serve as a reminder of an execution that was bound to happen : my own
I will not cry. I will not break down just because the man I have loved with all my heart will marry someone else. Today he will promise and give himself to a woman who will never love him like I have. Today he will bind himself to a vow we both should have taken.
I was so sure we'd end up together. After the breakup, I would asked him why He wouldn't take me back. And He would casually tell me that He still love me and that He just think it will not work out for now. Not measuring the pain I felt I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I thought that it would make him happy and contented. Days passed by and I anxiously waited for him to come back but I just waited in vain. And then I came to know that He was going out with one of his officemates which I've already met once. I admit, the news hurt me. I guess that was the reason why it was easy for him to end the relationship. How could He betray me after I gave him my full trust?
But after that I still had my hopes. As he would constanly tell me after being away from each other that He still loves me. And I still foolishly love him with all my heart. I silently prayed and wished that we can mend our broken relationship. When I belive that success in a relationship is more than finding the right person, It is becoming the right person. And so I tried to be the right person. I always thought that in the end, it would still be us. I loved him. I managed to convince myself that he loved me too (what else could it be?). Little did I know that love doesn't conquer all, it only conquers the weak.
I didn't thought he'd be so stupid as to get a girl pregnant maybe barely a month after we broke up. I didn't think he'd be so stupid as to forget to use some form of contraception. After all, he told me back then that he had given people lecture on safe sex. And I didn't think he'd be so stupid as to marry the girl. But maybe I forgot that after all, he was a man. And men have been known to be stupid about these things. Their brain is located in a region other than between their ears.
But what should I do after finding out about this sad truth? Should I get mad and curse him for the rest of my life? After listening and believing about how much He still loved and missed me after the breakup, I realized that I've already wasted half of my life for all the lousy excuses of this man and his inability to love me back.
I could not believe it! At first I wanted nothing more than to run to him and beg him to wake me up from this stupid dream. I wanted him to take me some place where we didn't know anybody. No pain, no memory, no humiliation. I wanted to just forget it ever happened but since I flunked in the School for Martyrs, I couldn't, for the life of me and pretend it didn't happen. I couldn't pretend he didn't hurt me. And for some time hate was my only reason for getting up in the morning, for breathing, for living. HATE and I became good friends.
"God brings women into deep waters, not to drown them but to cleanse them", somebody once wrote. I didn't want to be cleansed. I just wanted to drown in pain and misery and utter desolation. I wanted to wallow in the dark and deep pit of despair. I know a thousand and one cliche's that say this can be a blessing and that I should be thankful. But thankful is the last thing I'm feeling right now. I've always thought that there are three kinds of women: those who break, those who mend and those who are broken themselves.
Before this hit me, I assumed that I belonged to the first or second category. Now I know I'm in the third--so hurt and broken up inside. A friend used to say, that there is nothing you can do about pain when it gives you a silly grin, except grin right back. All I could manage was a wry smile, a killer heartache and the worst feeling just thinking about the other girl who will take his name, wear his ring and bear him a child.
Perhaps I have loved him before, but now I realized how wrong I was to love a man who doesn't even care how hurting I am right now. Yes, I fell for him, when those moments of blindness were not yet realized because I thought that He loved me too. Love maybe is blind but it can be understood, only if lovers try.
I've learned now that trusting can never come too easily and that a person's sincerity can never be judged fully.
I've learned that sometimes, no matter how well you think you are doing, you would still fail despite believing that you have done your best to be happy.
For a while I could only ask God why such things happened the way they did, and why me. I was caught unguarded. My hopes and dreams came shattering in front of me. It was as if my whole life had fallen into pieces. But here I am laughing at myself because of those mistakes I made and to find that this new heartache is too strange for now. Everyone told me that setting the one we love free could give us peace of mind. But I never thought that it would be this painful.
I guess I have to be strong because being strong is the only thing that was left for me to do at this moment. Since I cried in front of him that afternoon inside my room while he was telling me that He wouldn't take me back, everyday was a promise that I wouldn't cry anymore and though I failed. But after today, I vowed to never again have tears roll down my cheeks. The pain maybe was severe but I have to remind myself ever so often - THAT MAN WAS NOT WORTHY OF MY WAILING!
They always say that Life is a Journey and yes it is! And we'll just have to pass through dark and thorney alleys to reach our happiness. I believe after this heartache... a PRINCE is waiting for me at the end of the tunnel.
Hmmm, I guess I have said too much already. I do not expect anybody to understand what I'm going through. Besides I am not writing this entry to please anyone. This is the form of expression I love to exercise.
And I know that one way or another I will go on the right path for myself. Someday and somehow I will not care to be hurt again. I know that I will find a way to raise my head again and proudly say : THAT MY NEW MAN IS MORE WONDERFUL AND WAY BEYOND WORTHY THAN YOU.
