My HAUNTED Blog
Where are you?
And why, I wonder - Im sitting alone in this room haunted by the ghost of my past. I do not know the answer to these questions no matter how hard I have tried to understand. The reason is plain and simple, but my mind forces me to dismiss what is obvious.. and I am torn by anxiety in all my waking hours.
But right now, alone in this journey I did not even chose for myself, I came to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them... And I find myself wondering why - out of all the people in this world I could ever have loved ... I had to fall for someone who would just turn away from me and from all the dreams we have shared together.
Where are you?
It kept ringing through my head, like a song that I heard early morning on the radio, which kept repeating itself the entire afternoon...
Where are you?
I didn't know exactly, but one of the things I had learned early in life was : What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger....
I've just had discovered my reality... but it seemed to pass much more slowly.... Life passes by now like a scenery outside the MRT window. I do not know exactly where I am going or when I will get there.. but at this point I could only hope for a better future.
Sometimes , I find myself searching the crowd for His face.. I know it is an impossibility, but I couldn't help myself.. And my search for the answers are never ending quest that is doomed to fail. Even the words He uttered for Me that day I remembered well, were foolish... and I should have realized it then.
In a world that I seldom understand, there are winds of destiny that blow when we least expect them. Sometimes, they gust with the fury of a hurricane. Sometimes they barely fan one's cheek. But the winds cannot be denied, bringing as they often do - a future that is impossible to ignore..The pain that He has caused me was the wind that I did not anticipate. The wind that has gusted more strongly than I had ever imagined possible.
I was wrong. So wrong to ignore what was obvious... Like a cautious traveler - I tried to protect myself from the wind - but lost my soul instead.
I was a fool to ignore my destiny... But even fools have feelings! And i've come to realize that even though He became one important person I met in this lifetime - I could only wish to remember Him now - as someone not belong to those people i call - FRIENDS.
I know I am not perfect.. I've made more mistakes in the past few months than some people made in a lifetime. I was wrong to have acted as I did when I broke up with him... Just as I was wrong to hide the truth about the pain I'm going through after finding out about His decision. But most of all - I was wrong to deny what was again obvious right before my eyes... They were right - I tried to be blind about my situation, even though i knew it was there in front of me. Like a woman who gazes only backwards on a trip across the country.. I ignored what lies ahead. It was wrong for me to do that - a product of my confusion and emotions.. and I wish I had come to understand that sooner.
After that dreadful confession, I wanted to believe that I could go on as I always had. But I couldn't. I knew, in my heart that my life would never be the same again.. I wanted Him back in my life, more than I imagined possible... Yet, whenever I feel the pain He knowingly caused me and kept remembering those harsh words that He explicitly addressed towards me... They'd all just constantly played in my mind, constantly troubled by those thoughts, constantly haunted by the ghost Im trying hard enough to forget...
Until last night...
when the answer finally came to me... Not only His words, but also the learnings of my heart that led me back to reality...With my gaze fixed towards the future - I see His face and I hear His voice.. certain that this is the path I must need to follow.
It was about dusk now - and the gray sky was turning dark quickly. Though I've tried not to remember that scene from my bedroom when He said his last goodbye... it still gave me the same feelings I'd had when I first heard it ...These feelings had stalked me every waking moment. Fighting back the tears as I've continued to read all the old letters and text messages he once sent me.. Those words... Written in bold screaming letters I studied carefully... wondering what he'd wanted to say : "Mahalaga ka sa'kin Pam, that's why I'm setting you free " - And as always, I coudn't tell... like many things about Him I could only wish to understand... His real intentions, His feelings and His reasons... It was a secret he'd rather taken along with Him as He chose the other path away from me.
And though I am still hurting and thinking over the things that might have been.. I find myself thankful.. that He came into my life for even a short period of time. I'd assumed that we were somehow brought together, to help Him realize that this is our destiny - and He ... had made the right choice.
Out of all this, of course, even though I can't seem to understand - I forgive Him. I forgive Him now and I forgave Him the moment He told me that he doesn't love me anymore.. Coz in my heart I had no other choice. Hurting me once was hard enough ; to have done it a second time was a torture, and for me, it only meant one thing : only truth can set the two of us free!
As i write this, I am struggling with the ghost of someone I loved and lost... Sometimes, my grief was overwhelming and even though I understand the fact that I will never gonna see Him again, there's still a part of me that I wanted so much to hold on to. YET, THIS IS THE PARADOX : Because of this pain I wont dread the future... and what lies ahead. Because I was able to fell inlove with someone like Him - it had given me hope that there will be other guy who's more than worthy to spend my lifetime with... and not just an ordinary guy.. but a PRINCE who made perfect by God for me.. to fulfill my happily ever after.
This experience has taught me well... taught me that it's possible to move forward in life no matter how terrible your grief would be... And in many ways, although it's the complete opposite of what he has shown me - made me believe, that TRUE LOVE cannot be denied.
Right now, I dont think I'm ready...but this is my choice :
I do not want to blame anybody for this pain, but because of THIS, I am hopeful that there will come a day when my sadness will be replaced by something more beautiful. Because of this pain - I have the strength to go on in life, helping to guide me towards a future that I cannot predict.
But this is not a good - bye. This is a thank - you.
Thank you for coming into my life and making me realize that finding the right person is very hard and wrong... it is always best to be the right person for the one you chose to love and start from there.
And.. most of all....
...thank you for showing me...
that there will come a time...
...when I can eventually let all the pain go.
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